A Blender Has Other Settings

Why is it that
        every time someone uses a blender,
        metaphorically,
they always set it on “puree”?

A blender has other settings
        like whip
        and beat
        and liquify

Why not whip your figurative hamster or goldfish?
Or beat him?
        Because that’s too violent.
        Because the PTA and PETA will be on our necks
        ripping out our jugulars like egotistical mountain lions.

Tsk, tsk.  Violent.

Puree is sophisticated.
        It’s French.

It lets us whip the hamster’s fragile flesh and tiny bones
        into a sadistic strawberry smoothie
without
        the disquieted looks, shocked eyebrows, and
        that awkward cricket stillness.

Ah ha!
        That’s the key.

To be violent, be vicious, but retain a sense of lofty sophistication
        like Hannibal.